Losers

I have neglected this little scribbling past time for a while but I’ve decided to make somewhat of a return mainly because I feel the need for the odd public emotional outburst now and again.

So you’ll be delighted to hear  the state of play in my relationship status has changed little since I posted last. Just a few more wasted (but still enjoyable) kisses and a few duds in between.

A few months ago I mildly fooled myself into thinking I’d found someone who had potential i.e we had more than two things in common. I feel a bit foolish about this particular run-in because as it turns out he severely lacked that same enthusiasm that I had going on for that short period. I think his exact texting words were ‘I can’t appreciate a great girl like you’. That’s 2012 speak for ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.  One could say I was well and truly kicked to the curb.

This encounter has left me slightly worse for wear to be honest. A friend of mine suggested a few weeks back that although I pertain to be this confident in control person, perhaps underneath it all I am a delicate mess. I would beg to slightly differ on this accusation but in saying that I have to admit he may have a small point.

The job I work in is full of very strong, pretty, confident women. In this sea of vivacious talent, it is often difficult to remember who you are because you spend a large part of your time comparing yourself to the talents of others. In this environment it’s easy to forget why perhaps you are worth something to someone else be it in terms of their affections or anything else for that matter.

One of life’s cruelest realities that has been bestowed on me vividly in recent months is that more often than not competition is key in life. If you’re not up for the fight, be prepared to be crushed. I’ve never been good in competition scenarios. My Dad had a phrase he used repeatedly on my sister before primary school sports days which was to say our family never loses. My sister was an amazing athlete and it turned out she never really did lose sports day races so the phrase worked well in that sense.

My determination always manifested itself in a more inwardly determined way. I never felt competitive towards others, only myself. Still to this day I will set my mind on something, fully commit to it and generally achieve what I set out to do. The only area of my life where I always seem to fall short in this determination is relationships. I never can quite hit the mark. This is yet another of life’s harsh realities which I find hard to grapple with.

Sometimes when people and scenarios are playing out and merging together and becoming the jumble that is life’s mess, I feel I need to stand still, take a breath and think all I can be is me. No amount of ‘our family never loses’ is going to change that fact so embrace it and move on. People don’t always win and sometimes that’s ok.