July 30, 2012
Over my years of singledom, I’ve come to realise that feelings of attraction are very much based on circumstance. This may come as no great surprise to some of you but it is a fact I find hard to contemplate. For instance, I can recall some guys two or three years ago who at the time I was convinced I was infatuated with but now looking back I couldn’t care less. Why is that?
I can already hear the blissfully attached screaming ‘he obviously wasn’t the right one for you’ but is this really the case? I had a somewhat (drunken) debate one of my friends on this very topic a few months ago. I suggested that a good 50% of couples out there have decided to settle on the basis of convenient circumstance. Boy meets girl, or visa versa and boy and girl decide ‘this is alright’ and stick with it. Now let me make plain, I’m not suggesting they don’t grow to really like or dare I say it, love each other, but I do genuinely believe a lot of couples out there started off on a ‘you’ll do’ premise.
This is one of the reasons I believe I’m single. I don’t want a ‘you’ll do’ scenario. I want a ‘you’re amazing, I want to be with you’ scenario but strangely enough this is rather hard to find. However I noticed lately, I’m more open to falling into a ‘you’ll do’ way of thinking. I wonder is this me losing faith in my heighten sense of romance or is it realism final kicking me in the face? Is it possible for women to get passed their frivolous early twenties, find themselves single and think ‘screw it, you have a half decent brain/ face combo, you’ll do’? The worrying thing is some days I dread being this person and other days I want to be this person. I suppose the root of the anxiousness stems from the fact that I know in my heart of hearts I’ll never settle, therefore I have to face the fact that I may be that girl in her mid-thirties who is alone/ on dating websites still in search of the elusive fairy tale ending.
I veered slightly off point on the above rant. However, my current dilemma stems from the same sentiment. How can you be sure you actually really like a person/ fancy that person without that tiny niggling feeling that you’re in a head space that warrants this thought process? I have a category of guy who I jokingly name my ‘time filler’. These are guys who I date and/or text/ email but don’t really have any invested emotional ties to. One could argue I use the said guys and I suppose that would be right. Let’s be honest, life can be rather dull sometimes. It can be fun to have a flirt etc… knowing there will be no hurt or upset at the end of it all. However, one can only keep up this emotional charade for a while. I do have to admit it becomes draining after to realise you don’t genuinely fancy these ‘time fillers’ and you’re left feeling a bit flat and empty.
Then again, someone can come along who you do genuinely fancy and it is just as tiring trying to figure out if that person feels the same awful/ lovely feelings as you do….To sum up, it seems one way or the other I’m in a state a perpetual confusion.
July 24, 2012
I have neglected this little scribbling past time for a while but I’ve decided to make somewhat of a return mainly because I feel the need for the odd public emotional outburst now and again.
So you’ll be delighted to hear the state of play in my relationship status has changed little since I posted last. Just a few more wasted (but still enjoyable) kisses and a few duds in between.
A few months ago I mildly fooled myself into thinking I’d found someone who had potential i.e we had more than two things in common. I feel a bit foolish about this particular run-in because as it turns out he severely lacked that same enthusiasm that I had going on for that short period. I think his exact texting words were ‘I can’t appreciate a great girl like you’. That’s 2012 speak for ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. One could say I was well and truly kicked to the curb.
This encounter has left me slightly worse for wear to be honest. A friend of mine suggested a few weeks back that although I pertain to be this confident in control person, perhaps underneath it all I am a delicate mess. I would beg to slightly differ on this accusation but in saying that I have to admit he may have a small point.
The job I work in is full of very strong, pretty, confident women. In this sea of vivacious talent, it is often difficult to remember who you are because you spend a large part of your time comparing yourself to the talents of others. In this environment it’s easy to forget why perhaps you are worth something to someone else be it in terms of their affections or anything else for that matter.
One of life’s cruelest realities that has been bestowed on me vividly in recent months is that more often than not competition is key in life. If you’re not up for the fight, be prepared to be crushed. I’ve never been good in competition scenarios. My Dad had a phrase he used repeatedly on my sister before primary school sports days which was to say our family never loses. My sister was an amazing athlete and it turned out she never really did lose sports day races so the phrase worked well in that sense.
My determination always manifested itself in a more inwardly determined way. I never felt competitive towards others, only myself. Still to this day I will set my mind on something, fully commit to it and generally achieve what I set out to do. The only area of my life where I always seem to fall short in this determination is relationships. I never can quite hit the mark. This is yet another of life’s harsh realities which I find hard to grapple with.
Sometimes when people and scenarios are playing out and merging together and becoming the jumble that is life’s mess, I feel I need to stand still, take a breath and think all I can be is me. No amount of ‘our family never loses’ is going to change that fact so embrace it and move on. People don’t always win and sometimes that’s ok.