Times are a-changing…

May 15, 2011

Is it wrong to openly admit you are lonely? This is something I have been asking myself the last few weeks.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, most people who know me will probably tell you that I’m a very independent person in the sense that I lead a seemingly fulfilled life. I have lots of friends, I live in a nice house and I have a good job. For a good number of years now I have been highly aware of my good fortune and enjoyed all the benefits this particular lifestyle brought me.

However, these days I find myself hitting a wall. I’m generally a very self-reflective person anyway but I notice I’m beginning to question particulars in my life even more than usual. This reflection covers all areas of my life from the type of personality I have developed to the reasons I’m single. I look at every aspect of my life and think ‘is this who I am or is this who I want to be’.

This bout of deep reflection is lingering within me for several reasons. Many of my close friends are leaving or have left Ireland. Without sounding very cliche many of these friends are, for all intensive purposes, my family. Family with me is an odd thing in the sense that I come from one that would be termed ‘broken’. I’m very close to my little sister but aside from her, my friends are my guiding light. With many of them now heading for the bright lights of New York, the sunnier shores of Australia and New Zealand and the calming climate of Cambodia, I am left somewhat alone and slightly at sea.

This is the first time in three years I will readily admit, I am lonely. It is the first time I will openly say, I do in fact want a significant other to call ‘my boyfriend’. I do recognise this is heavily rooted in the fact that a lot of people close to me are leaving but there is somewhat more to it.

I’ve reached the stage where I’m tired of the whole going out, talking to a guy, possibly kissing him, perhaps texting him, maybe dating him for a while and then one or both of us decide it’s not worth the hassle.

I’ve forgotten what it’s like to really fancy someone to the point that you want to be around them all the time. I want that feeling again. Herein lies the problem. I’m slightly worried in my ability to actually find this person. I have been single for a significant length of time at this stage. During my self-reflecting, I wonder what it is that is holding me back from meeting someone who I want to be with.

Being honest, I feel it is a combination of things. I think I’m too willing to write someone off for what many would consider a minor dating blunder or annoying personality trait. I’m too set on finding this overwhelming romance when in reality it takes time to build something like this. I also am beginning to learn that the standard I have set in my head of the type of guy I’d like to be with almost certainly does not exist.

So the question is, what is to be done in this situation? Well, I’ve decided I’m going to adopt a new attitude. When I meet someone new no longer will I call upon the imaginary guy in my head who tells me to write off the guy in front of me. I will stop looking for the perfect romance. Sadly it seems life is not always that rosey (although every Disney and Julia Roberts film ever made tell little girls a different story).

Although this may not be an instant cure to the odd loneliness I’m currently experiencing, hopefully a change in attitude may open my eyes to opportunities that may be staring me straight in the face.


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