Is it wrong to openly admit you are lonely? This is something I have been asking myself the last few weeks.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, most people who know me will probably tell you that I’m a very independent person in the sense that I lead a seemingly fulfilled life. I have lots of friends, I live in a nice house and I have a good job. For a good number of years now I have been highly aware of my good fortune and enjoyed all the benefits this particular lifestyle brought me.

However, these days I find myself hitting a wall. I’m generally a very self-reflective person anyway but I notice I’m beginning to question particulars in my life even more than usual. This reflection covers all areas of my life from the type of personality I have developed to the reasons I’m single. I look at every aspect of my life and think ‘is this who I am or is this who I want to be’.

This bout of deep reflection is lingering within me for several reasons. Many of my close friends are leaving or have left Ireland. Without sounding very cliche many of these friends are, for all intensive purposes, my family. Family with me is an odd thing in the sense that I come from one that would be termed ‘broken’. I’m very close to my little sister but aside from her, my friends are my guiding light. With many of them now heading for the bright lights of New York, the sunnier shores of Australia and New Zealand and the calming climate of Cambodia, I am left somewhat alone and slightly at sea.

This is the first time in three years I will readily admit, I am lonely. It is the first time I will openly say, I do in fact want a significant other to call ‘my boyfriend’. I do recognise this is heavily rooted in the fact that a lot of people close to me are leaving but there is somewhat more to it.

I’ve reached the stage where I’m tired of the whole going out, talking to a guy, possibly kissing him, perhaps texting him, maybe dating him for a while and then one or both of us decide it’s not worth the hassle.

I’ve forgotten what it’s like to really fancy someone to the point that you want to be around them all the time. I want that feeling again. Herein lies the problem. I’m slightly worried in my ability to actually find this person. I have been single for a significant length of time at this stage. During my self-reflecting, I wonder what it is that is holding me back from meeting someone who I want to be with.

Being honest, I feel it is a combination of things. I think I’m too willing to write someone off for what many would consider a minor dating blunder or annoying personality trait. I’m too set on finding this overwhelming romance when in reality it takes time to build something like this. I also am beginning to learn that the standard I have set in my head of the type of guy I’d like to be with almost certainly does not exist.

So the question is, what is to be done in this situation? Well, I’ve decided I’m going to adopt a new attitude. When I meet someone new no longer will I call upon the imaginary guy in my head who tells me to write off the guy in front of me. I will stop looking for the perfect romance. Sadly it seems life is not always that rosey (although every Disney and Julia Roberts film ever made tell little girls a different story).

Although this may not be an instant cure to the odd loneliness I’m currently experiencing, hopefully a change in attitude may open my eyes to opportunities that may be staring me straight in the face.

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Memory Playlist

May 2, 2011

Looking back through all my posts recently I’ve noticed I never really touched on the subject of music. ‘What has music got to do with a blog about relationships’ I hear you inquire. Well to me it has a lot to do with relationships. I tend to always associate people, experiences and memories with music. I’ll be walking along listening to my iPod and I’ll hear a song and think I was listening to this with that person or I was dancing to this when I saw that person.

Music is one of my obsessions in life. From the outset I want to make it plain I am not what one may term a ‘music snob’. I tune into X Factor as much as the next person. I love anything from Rhianna’s ‘Umbrella’ and Timberland ‘The Way I Are (J1 summer favourites) to Handel’s Ombra Mai Fu (classical song I sang in school).

Most of the songs I become fanatical about have a personal meaning to me.  There are fleeting song obsessions that tend to last a few weeks but there are some music pieces that stick out in my mind because they usually trigger off memories of really great (or really awful) times. I’ll highlight a few of the more relationship related ones here and give a bit of a memory background.

One of my earliest musical memories is of Kylie Minogue. I was obsessed with Kylie and Neighbours. My Mam informs me that I used to sit glued to the TV and was utterly delighted when Kylie and Jason Donovan finally got together. This perhaps was the beginning of my unrealistic relationship expectations! This was one of my favourite Kylie tunes. I spent many a day dressed in one of my Mam’s polka dot 80’s dresses dancing around the room to this imagining I would marry Jason one day (sad but true!)

My first proper crush song was (like lots of girls of my vintage) No Doubt Don’t Speak. Still to this day, I love this song. I remember having a serious school girl crush on a guy from my primary school class. The main reason I fancied him was because he was very good looking for an 11 year old and everyone else fancied him too. It didn’t really matter to me that we didn’t really speak much or that he wasn’t remotely interested in me! I tortured myself for weeks before finally it became too much when my best friend started ‘going out’ with him. Utter devastation ensued and I spent hours listening to this song on repeat. Oh to be a pre-teen angst filled girl again!!

My first proper romance (one which I spoke about in my first post a few months back) was again every bit the teenage drama filled encounter. As I mentioned previously, I really fancied this particular guy. He was the so called ‘popular’ guy in school at the time. I wasn’t exactly the cheerleader to his jock status but for some unknown reason he apparently quite liked me too. We started a very awkward boyfriend/ girlfriend scenario which didn’t last all that long. I was coming into my singer/song writer phase so Damien Rice was always going to rear his solemn head!

I remember the first time I heard Blower’s Daughter, I was in the country with my Mam on a really hot summers day. The ‘popular’ guy who I was seeing had left Ireland for a extended family trip to France and I was very upset by the fact that I hadn’t heard from him. I had bought a guitar compilation which featured Blower’s Daughter. I loved the arrangement of music and the words to the song of course seemed to reflect my situation (doesn’t every love song when you’re depressed!) I never did rekindle my relationship with the popular guy when he returned from France but I do always associate that song with the summer he was not around.

When hearing this next song, it reminds of a really happy time. I was 16, in transition year and thought I was an adult who had the world sussed. I had a great bunch of friends (many of whom I am still friends with to this day) and I met the person who was to be my first love. The song,by Mic Christopher, is appropriately named Heyday.

All unpleasant breakups always have a soundtrack and mine was no different. After my three year relationship ended I had a multitude of painful songs which I called upon on a regular basis. I’m not going to bore you with all the tearful tunes but I will include this one because I think it’s a song of recovery more than a song of loss. When I listen to this song, I think of a time when I finally began to let go of a relationship that was over and began to move on: Jeff Buckley, Last Goodbye (please excuse the VERY old school video)

My more recent musical memories revolve around happier times. I was reminded of an encounter by my friend the other day that had totally slipped my mind. I was at a house party about 2 years ago. I was with some of my college friends who hang around a multitude of good looking guys. I had noticed a guy throughout the night at the party. He was very indie-esque in comparison to many of the law student types that were at the party. I eventually got talking to him and had such a laugh. We talked for ages and got on great. It’s been a while since I’ve met someone who I laughed that much with when first meeting them. I vividly remember the two of us kissing to this tune and now every time I hear it I think of him. I never heard from him as it emerged he was seeing someone at the time (delightful I know) but it’s still is a nice memory. Kings of Leon, Slow Night, So Long.

This next song is one of my current obsessions. I love most of Feist’s songs anyway but I think the words to this are very powerful and cover various topics which spring to my mind when it comes to my current relationship encounters. I’m of the opinion that intuition is really important when trying to build/ embark on a relationship with someone. Intuition is the thing that points you in the direction of logic and over-rules the voice that may be telling you to embark on something that is ultimately a waste of time. Intuition is also the thing that lets you know when you are on to a good thing (or not as the case may be) and aptly enough this song is called Intuition.